Enabling Is Disabling: When Help Hurts More Than It Heals

We all want to be someone’s superhero. It feels good to swoop in, throw on our metaphorical cape, and save the day. But sometimes, what feels heroic actually keeps the other person stuck — like pulling someone out of quicksand only to set them back down in a deeper pit. This is the paradox of enabling: it can quietly disable the very person we’re trying to help.

Note: If you recognize yourself in these words, take a deep breath. Enabling patterns are often born from love, fear, or a deep desire to protect — not from malice. You’re not alone, and you can choose to rewrite this pattern at any time.

🧠 The Illusion of Help

Enabling is like giving someone floaties in a shallow pool — they won’t drown, but they’ll never learn to swim. It feels safer in the moment, but over time, we unknowingly train them to depend on us for balance.

In mental health, enabling means shielding someone from the natural consequences of their choices. It may sound compassionate, but it’s like putting duct tape over a warning light on the dashboard — it hides the problem without fixing it.

🪙 Agency Theft: The Hidden Cost of Enabling

Enabling quietly steals a person’s personal agency — their ability to make choices, face outcomes, and learn from them. Each time we rush in to solve a problem, we take the wheel out of their hands.

It’s like taking the controls away from a pilot in training. Sure, the flight is smoother when we’re the ones steering — but when turbulence hits and we’re not there, they’ve had no practice navigating storms. Over time, they may begin to believe:

• “I can’t do this without someone else.”

• “My choices don’t matter.”

• “I’m not capable on my own.”

Agency theft may feel like protection, but it robs the other person of confidence, decision-making skills, and the ability to grow stronger through struggle.

👶 Teaching or Erasing Personal Agency

We have an incredible power in relationships — especially as parents, partners, and caregivers — to either build up someone’s sense of agency or slowly erase it.

Teaching agency is like handing someone a compass and teaching them how to use it. It doesn’t mean they won’t ever get lost, but it means they’ll have the tools to find their way.

• Let natural consequences be the teacher. A child who forgets their lunch once learns more from that growling stomach than from a lecture.

• Give choices and responsibility. This might mean allowing kids to pick their clothes, plan a meal, or manage a small allowance.

• Praise effort, not just results. Show them that what matters most is their ability to try, learn, and grow.

Erasing agency, on the other hand, is like drawing the map for them and never letting them hold the pencil. If we solve every problem, protect them from every discomfort, and prevent them from facing the consequences of their actions, we unintentionally teach:

• “You can’t handle life on your own.”

• “Your voice doesn’t matter as much as my solution.”

• “Struggle is bad — avoid it at all costs.”

Over time, this can create adults who feel lost without someone telling them what to do, who hesitate to take risks, and who fear failure so much they avoid growth entirely.

🌀 Emotional Boomerangs

Enabling is a boomerang we toss with love. We think we’re throwing it far away, but it curves back around and smacks us in the back of the head. Each time we rescue someone from the fallout of their decisions, we inherit the stress, anxiety, and exhaustion that should have been theirs to process.

Imagine mopping up water from a sink that keeps overflowing — instead of turning off the faucet. Eventually, you’re standing ankle-deep in a problem that was never yours to own.

🔑 When Compassion Turns into Control

Sometimes enabling isn’t just about kindness — it’s about control dressed up in compassion. It’s like being a backseat driver in someone else’s car, clutching the map and yelling directions while they never get the chance to drive.

We might do this because watching someone struggle feels unbearable. But if we never let them sit in the driver’s seat, they never learn how to navigate. And we stay exhausted, holding a steering wheel that was never ours.

🌱 Breaking the Cycle

Breaking enabling patterns is like pruning a wild plant: at first it feels harsh, but it allows healthier growth in the long run.

• Set clear boundaries. Boundaries are fences with gates — they keep you safe while still allowing connection.

• Allow natural consequences. Pain is often life’s teacher; stepping aside lets the lesson land.

• Support without rescuing. Offer emotional coaching, not constant cleanup. You can hand someone a map without walking the entire road for them.

🪞 Becoming Self-Aware

Self-awareness is the flashlight that helps us see when we’re about to fall into the enabling trap. Before stepping in, pause and ask yourself:

• “Am I preventing this person from experiencing a consequence they need to learn from?”

• “Would I still be doing this if I wasn’t afraid of what might happen if I don’t?”

• “Am I helping them grow — or just helping them avoid discomfort?”

• “Am I stepping in because it’s truly needed, or because it soothes my own anxiety?”

Think of these questions like a mental traffic light. If the answers are mostly red flags, stop. If they’re yellow, proceed with caution and boundaries. And if they’re green — meaning your help genuinely empowers them — go ahead, but stay mindful.

🏁 Quick Practice: Building Your Non-Enabling Muscles

Start small — practice stepping back in low-stakes situations before tackling bigger ones:

1. Pause and breathe. When someone asks for help, give yourself a few seconds to notice your first impulse.

2. Ask yourself one key question: “If I step in, am I helping them grow or just helping them avoid discomfort?”

3. Experiment with letting go. Choose one situation this week where you allow natural consequences to play out. Write down what happened, how you felt, and what the other person learned.

Like any new skill, learning not to enable takes practice — but each time you pause, you’re building the muscle of healthy support and restoring everyone’s agency.

🎁 The Gift of Growth

When we stop enabling, we hand back someone’s agency — their power to change their own story. It’s like taking off their training wheels, stepping back, and watching them wobble until they find their balance.

This doesn’t mean we stop caring. It means we choose to care in a way that strengthens instead of weakens, that builds resilience instead of dependency. And in the process, we free ourselves too — no longer chained to someone else’s sinkholes, we can focus on our own well-being and growth.